How to Navigate Holiday Loneliness and Cultivate Connection - The New York Times

The important thing is to admit your need for social connection and seek out meaningful relationships.

This Christmas, Renate Bello, 56, will spend the holiday taking care of her neighbor’s dogs in Easthampton, Mass. It’s the same way she spent Thanksgiving.

Without any family or close friends nearby, holidays can be an especially lonely time, she said. And although pet sitting is a joy, and one way that she copes with solitude, she longs to build deeper connections with humans.

“I know a number of people,” she said. “But they are not necessarily people I would call up to say, ‘Let’s go hang out.’”

Ms. Bello owns a medical billing business that often requires long hours at home, which contributes to her isolation. “I don’t have any life, and I need to find that balance,” she said.

But taking friendships to the next level can be difficult, Ms. Bello added. Sometimes, she admitted, she feels “inadequate” — like an outsider.

Loneliness can carry a stigma in our society.

People who experience unwanted solitude may assume that they are unlikable or unlovable — that they are to blame for not having more friends, community connections or a romantic partner.

“This can cause profound shame, which can erode self esteem,” said Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, the surgeon general and author of “Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World.” “It can also worsen feelings of loneliness, as it often pushes us to distance ourselves from others at a time when we need support most.”

But the truth is, he added, loneliness is a universal human experience.

“We all feel lonely at times just like we all feel hunger or thirst,” Dr. Murthy said. “There is no reason to be ashamed of being human.”

Here are a few ways to work past the stigma and find, or reestablish, connections.

Remember that other people feel lonely, too.

Social connection is linked to heart health, brain health and immunity. In addition, we can feel physical pain when our relationships suffer.

It’s concerning, then, that more than half of Americans say they are lonely, according to a 2021 poll. The problem has become so pervasive that Dr. Murthy warned about the ill impacts of loneliness in the spring and offered tips on how to improve the quality of social connections.

Even those who have plenty of friends can experience loneliness.

Val Walker, 69, the author of “400 Friends and No One to Call,” has worked hard to create a solid social network. But she recently experienced “a whole other level of lonely” when none of her friends were available when she needed them the most.

Over the course of four months she asked more than 60 people if they could serve as her medical escort after a procedure. Nobody was available.

“I felt so uncared for,” Ms. Walker said. “I just felt like I didn’t matter to people.”

Finally she located two people in her apartment complex who stepped up. In-person, local relationships are among our most important connections, she added.

Cultivate your relationships.

You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely if what you want or expect from your relationships is different than what you perceive. Effort and honesty are crucial to strengthening those connections, Dr. Murthy said.

“A few minutes of honest, authentic human connection can transform how we feel,” he added.

Izzy Boring, 21, a college student in Oregon, noted that what her generation considers connection — a small screen in our hands — “doesn’t have anything to do with connecting at all.”

“Genuine connection is found in being human and giving room for others to be human alongside you,” added Ms. Boring, who has struggled with loneliness after the death of her boyfriend two years ago.

If you’re accustomed to texting friends or relatives, try a phone or video call instead, Dr. Murthy advised. It doesn’t need to last long, but it may open the door to rekindling a friendship, and lift your mood.

Look for commonalities.

We each have unique ways of finding friends, initiating communication and maintaining our relationships.

“If you’re a bookworm, don’t expect your next best buddy at the bar,” said Louise Hawkley, a research scientist who studies loneliness at NORC, a social research organization at the University of Chicago. “You have to look for places and people where you can expect to share some common interests, some common values.”

Building relationships takes time. Try not to expect too much initially.

“Often it takes a series of encounters,” said Charles T. Hill, a professor of social psychology at Whittier College. The relationship may eventually become more intimate, but having casual friends is also important, he added.

As you get to know people, ask yourself: Who can I connect with at a deep level? Who will be there for me?

If social situations make you nervous, Dr. Hawkley said, having a sense of how you’ll go about them ahead of time can help you feel more at ease.

If you decide to join a book club, for instance, you can plan to introduce yourself to the leader and ask how she got involved. Be prepared with some open-ended questions that will prompt a thoughtful response. Share your interpretation of the book during a discussion; respond to what other people think.

Offer support to someone else.

Volunteering is a way to broaden our social networks that can feel less anxiety provoking than, say, showing up at a party.

In a study of 10,000 volunteers in Britain, about two-thirds agreed that volunteering had helped them feel less isolated. Websites for organizations like Volunteer Match, AmeriCorps, United Way and the AARP can help you find opportunities in your area.

Taking even a small step toward building social connections can help your confidence.

If you’re finding it difficult to initiate contact with someone or you’re feeling socially isolated, don’t hesitate to tell someone that you’re struggling. It could be a relative, a friend, a therapist or a health care provider.

“Lonely people have more control over the situation than they think they do,” Dr. Hawkley said.

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